


Of Fake Love And Heartbreak

by luminescence2



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Contracts, Depression, Desperation, Grief, Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, Pining, So much angst, a bit of an abstract plot just bear with me, a little bit of smut, abuse is mentioned and rape is explicitly referenced, an au, fake relationships, lawyer friend, louis unknowingly signs a binding contract, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 05:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12697950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminescence2/pseuds/luminescence2
Summary: Those eyes held promises that he couldn't keep, held emotions he couldn't feel, held a love he couldn't express. (Or the one where Louis signs a contract to become famous and unknowingly signs his love away and loses Harry in the process, and he enlists the help of his lawyer to try and find a loophole in the contract)





	Of Fake Love And Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> hello there! this is a rather different style story, a bit abstract in the way it's written, and the plot, a lot more melancholy than others, and it's not as easy to follow along as my past works. however, i am very fond of it, and i hope you enjoy it as well.

he looks older. he looks brighter. he looks...happier. when i see the pictures, i see it in his eyes. captured even by the camera lens, it's that strong.

kenzie says that i have to move on, that i'm not going to ever get him back, that he's...

that he's in love with him.

but how can i let him go? how can i pretend that that entire year didn't happen? how can i act like i'm okay when i'm not?

not even a little.

i know i pushed him, i know i made him feel like the only way he'd be happy was if he left me. but i never expected this.

i never expected him to be so much happier without me. i never expected him to move on so quickly. i never expected him fall in love with...

with somebody else.

it's pathetic i know that. kenzie says that one day i'll find someone that makes me happier too, but i can't bring myself to believe her.  
louis was my light, my soul, the reason i woke up in the morning and maybe i loved too hard and maybe i loved too much and maybe it wasn't meant to be but he's happy and i'm here

just....not.

i'm waiting for him. i know i am.

kenzie says he'll never come back, but she's said that about herself too. and yet she's here. so i just don't know what to think.

i don't know anything.

* * *l o u i s* * *

the silver is shiny and sharp and cold against my skin and when i press it down and feel it puncture and feel the blood stain it, i don't feel any better.

i don't feel anything really. then again, have i lately? when was the last time i didn't take a smile or a laugh or pose for a picture that portrayed of version of myself that i don't even recognize?

everyone thinks i'm in love. everyone thinks i'm happier, everyone thinks that i've moved on, that i've left...  
left him behind.

but i haven't. he still exists, i still see him, i still miss him. especially now, now that everything has gone to shit and i can't escape from any of it.

it's like a trap.

no, not like...

it is a trap.

kenzie says she's working on getting me out, she says she's trying her hardest, but i don't know how much longer i can last. i don't know how much longer i can pretend to be okay with this.

i don't know how much longer i can keep hurting him. i just don't know.

six on the wrists, one for every scar i gave him.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

i don't associate myself with love and yet i find myself immersed in it at an almost constant rate.

it's not even my speciality, it's not something i can claim to be an expert on, and yet it's always me giving the advice. it's always me who is in the middle of it. i don't understand love. but i do understand people and their logic and rationale.

and here's what i've gathered...

love is a heartless bitch that caters to nobody and takes more than it gives. it tears people apart and it ruins them and it...

it's cold.

i don't know why it's this way. but i do know that it's killing my friends. it's killing them and i have to save them. i have to save both of them.

and that's the fucked up part. i'm going to have to use love to save them.

because logic can only go so far. law can only go so far. and then there's love. something i didn't believe in until i saw it firsthand.

now i'm not sure if i want it.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

always always always read the fine print when signing a contract. whether it be a contract written by a fresh-out-of-law-school nobody or a corporation with so much money that they could murder you and nobody would know, always read the fine print.

it's there that they trap you, after all.

they put the seemingly important stuff up top in big, easy-to-read words, and then by the time you get to the bottom the only thing you see is the dotted line and not the little italic letters just above.

i would know this, as it's my job to yell at people for not reading the fine print on something. i'm a lawyer, my speciality in copyright law, and my clients are writers.  
that's how i met harry, and louis. i'm their lawyer. i'm the one they call when somebody steals or copies their content. call kenzie, she'll come to the rescue. i'm very good at my job.

through it, however, i became close friends with louis and harry, and was actually the one who linked them together, before youtube could. i guess you could say this is all my fault.

i wouldn't blame you.

it's all about the fine print. he didn't read the fine print. because he signed it without me being there. because how could he turn down the seemingly boundless benefits? it looked so pretty, all sugarcoated for him like that. he doesn't have a lawyers eyes. he didn't see what i saw when i looked over the contract.

too late now.

"you know what's going to happen if people see these, right?" i hiss, grabbing louis’ wrist and pulling his sleeve down to reveal the angry red marks lining the skin. louis yanks his arm away, rubbing his wrist as he avoids eye contact. "i don't care what people think," he mutters, walking off and into my office.

i stand there for a minute, one part angry, but two parts concerned. he hasn't been this bad in a while.  
things are getting worse. he doesn't have much time.  
i have to find a solution to this, or i could lose him.

i take a deep breath before following in after louis, stopping when i see him staring at my file that i idiotically left lying open on my desk for anyone with somewhat okay eyesight to see. louis' eyes snap back up to meet with  
mine as i carefully round my desk and sit down.

"he's still your client?" he asks, his voice a little small, as if i had betrayed him or something. i glance down at the papers to make sure he's referencing who i think he is, and then i lift my eyes, before nodding once. "is that an issue?" i reply.

i don't know why i ask questions i already know the answers to.

louis bites his lip as he flushes, before shaking his head and sitting down. "n-no, it's fine, i know you're not exclusive to me," he mutters. he doesn't look at me, still chewing on his lip, but i know that he's wanting to say something.

i'm sure i can guess what it is.

"separate spheres, louis," i remind him.

* * *h a r r y* * *

have you ever gone through a breakup? have you ever lost the person you thought you would marry to something that you never thought would take precedent over you? have you ever...

have you ever wanted to rather be dead than unloved?  
because i have. perhaps i still am existing in this state of mind. it's been a year i know that. trust me, i know how long it's been. it's a mental calendar in my head, marking off each day since he left me and told me to...

to do great things.

have i? have i done great things? perhaps in the eyes of my viewers i have. but to my own? i don't feel as if i've done anything great at all.

but what is greatness when you can't celebrate it with someone you care about?

i get it, okay, i know how pathetic i am. it doesn't take much for me to see it. kenzie is right i have to move on i have to. but she isn't making things any easier. i normally wouldn't interact with her past the occasional check-in on social media or a phone call here and there, but recently i've found myself in a little bit of legal trouble.

not my own doing, just somebody who has thought it a good idea to pretend to be me. and who do you call when you're in a pickle like that? your trusty attorney kenzie.  
who happens to be your ex's attorney as well. and on retainer for him too.

i didn't have a link back to him until her, and now that she's back in my life in a greater capacity than a few pictures on a screen, i can't ignore that link.

but i have to.

i'm still in love with him. and it's a hopeless love because i know he's moved on. i know that he...

that he loves him.

maybe more than he loved me.

* * *l o u i s* * *

he's waiting outside the offices when i leave. standing next to the car that isn't his dressed in clothes he doesn't like, wearing a smile that doesn't suit him. he has on sunglasses so i can't see his eyes, but maybe that's a good thing. 

i don't want my own sadness reflected back to me.  
"hey," i say, once i reach him. he lifts the corners of his mouth a bit more before pulling me into a hug. i tense just a little before hugging him back, my head resting just below his collarbones due to his height. "kenzie clearing everything up for us?" he asks, his voice gruff. i nod into his chest, the tears pricking at my eyes despite myself.  
nick must feel the sadness rolling of me in tangible waves, because when he lifts my chin to look at me, i can feel the gentleness in his fingertips. i can't see his eyes though, still covered by the shades, but i can only imagine the pity swimming in them. maybe it's better that i can't see them.  
i don't think i want to.

"what's wrong, baby?" he asks. but i can't tell him what's wrong. it'll only upset him. it upsets him when i so much as indirectly reference something from two years ago, so to be so blunt now is not a good idea. he tells me it's justified jealousy, that i was with him longer, that i wrote my album for him and about him, and as much as i tell him that none of that matters now, that i...  
that i chose him...

he never lets himself believe the lie. but i suppose i can't blame him. he's getting a financial gain out of this whole fucked up arrangement after all. whereas me? i only get heartbreak.

i shake my head, swiping at my tears and leaning up on my tiptoes to kiss him. it's really more of a way to silence his worries than because i actually want to, but it works. he kisses me back gently, his fingers threading through my curls to pull me closer. my own hands rest on his hipbones lazily until we break apart and i release him completely. i brush past him as i climb into my side of the car that isn't mine but isn't his either.

we're going back to his apartment, but on the way there we pass...

we pass harry's apartment and sometimes, once in a blue moon really, i see him standing outside, checking his mail or tending his little windowsill flowers or taking a picture for his instagram. but this is not one of those times. even as i look, i don't see any person resembling my ex-boyfriend standing out in the dreary overcast. i sigh audibly, which earns me a concerned glance from nick, who reaches over to take my hand in his. i link our fingers together out of habit and hold on tightly, trying to focus on his presence rather than my wandering mind.

"do you have any other plans for today?" nick asks as we pull into the parking garage of his building. i shake my head, absentmindedly running my thumb over the smooth skin of nick's hand, likening it to silk or some other fabric that could slip so easily through my fingers. "okay, well, how about i cook tonight then?" he suggests. i lift my eyes to meet his dark ones, and he's looking at me like i'm broken, like i'm someone that needs to be fixed.

i hate the way he looks at me.

but i especially hate having to pretend even when we're in the privacy of our home.

not ours. his. this isn't my home. we just passed my home.  
i don't know why nick even tries pretending. i only do it because what else am i supposed to do? i'm stuck, i'm trapped, i might as well learn to love him. that's what i'm supposed to do, isn't it?

but i don't know how much longer i can keep pretending. have you ever had to pretend to love somebody? and better yet, you're not even pretending to that other person.  
you're pretending to yourself.

 

kenzie says she's looking for a loophole. i just hope to god she finds one.

because i can't stay like this forever.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

i don't usually invite people over to my home i just want to make that clear. it's a rare occurrence, as i prefer to keep my private life private from everyone, but sometimes the office gets really stuffy and i get really pissy and sometimes it's better to do my work at home.

harry is a friend, more so than he's a client, and he's been over to my house before in such a capacity. him and louis both, usually together. there was a time when all three of us were so close i would get stopped in the streets because of my association with them.

that doesn't happen anymore.

"you wanna take a break?" i ask, looking at the dark shadows under harry's eyes. we've been practicing for hours, what he's going to say in court, me spewing questions and advice at him like a waterfall, it's exhausting for anyone. he looks at me, nodding as he stands up and grabs both our empty coffee mugs. he yawns as he moves into my kitchen, still remembering where everything is despite the fact that it's been months. "we're gonna win this, right?" he asks suddenly.

there's a bout of silence broken only by the sound of my keurig before i smile, crossing my arms. "have i ever lost a case for you?" i remark. harry chuckles, shaking his head before turning his attention back to the coffee. i stare at him a moment, before i hear a knock on my door.

both harry and i share the same looks of confusion before i spin around. it's nine-thirty on a wednesday night, who could possibly be here? "you didn't order food or anything did you?" i ask, even though i already know the answer. 

"no," harry calls after. i furrow my brow as unlock my door, standing up straight before opening it, hoping it's not some serial killer or anything.

it's not.

it's someone much worse.

"what's wrong?" i immediately ask, knowing that louis would only be coming to my house if something were terribly wrong.

who do you go to when you're in trouble again? kenzie. 

she'll rescue you.

louis steps forward a bit, and the light from my apartment illuminates his face, and i can see the angry red outline of a hand to a cheek and a gash across the cheekbone. 

"please tell me you've found that loophole, kenzie," louis whispers. i feel my heart break as i falter, my face falling and my first instinct being to hug my friend. i take him into my arms, noticing his tension almost immediately. "i'm trying as hard as i can," i whisper back.

i know subconsciously that harry is still in the house, probably watching us, and i know how problematic that can be, but i can't send louis away. he came here because he has nowhere else to go. i'm going to have to play mediator.

"come in," i say, releasing him. "um, i have a client over, we're going over a case but," i stop talking biting my lip as louis just nods, looking down as i close the door behind him. "i can go upstairs, if that's okay with you," he murmurs. i nod, putting my hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "please make yourself at home, i'll wrap this up quickly, and then we can talk," i promise, giving the boy a gentle nudge towards the stairs, hoping he keeps his gaze down.

he only nods slowly, before dragging his feet towards the stairs. he bypasses the part of my kitchen that is exposed to my living room and entryway, but must not see harry, because he continues on walking toward the stairs, taking a deep breath before climbing them slowly. i follow after him, watching for a moment, before turning back into my kitchen.

i stop when i see the look on harry's face.

the paleness, the wide eyes and dropped jaw, the iron grip on my coffee mugs, it's one for the books. i stare back at him, my heart speeding up, no words coming to my mind. 

"was that...is he...here?" harry asks, his voice small. i bite my lip, before figuring that lying is pointless.

i nod my head slowly, watching as harry's eye dilate further, and he sits down the mugs. he runs a hand through his hair, before exhaling slowly and looking back at me. "is he hurt?" he then asks, concern laced through his tone.

"harry...," i start to say, stepping towards him. i don't want him to get involved in this, i don't. that's the last thing i need.

plus, he doesn't want to be involved with this.

 

"he's hurt," harry replies, a statement. and before i stop him, he's pushing past me.

* * *h a r r y* * *

i know i shouldn't be doing this. shouldn't be running up the stairs like i live here, shouldn't be on the verge of crying, shouldn't be chasing after him like i didn't that first time. i shouldn't be doing any of these things.

but i am.

because when the person you love is hurt, there is no standing idly by, regardless of the circumstance. regardless of the fact that it's been over a year and he doesn't love you back and you're probably the last person he wants to see. it doesn't matter. he's hurt, and i have to go make sure he's okay.

i stop outside the guest room. the room that really may as well have been ours we were over here so much. we spent so much time together here, sleeping over and playing board games and watching movies and just being friends. this room has seen us naked, this room has seen us fully clothed, this room has seen us happy, and it's seen me sad.

now it's seeing louis sad.

i wouldn't want to have the eyes of this room.

i hesitate outside, suddenly scared. what if he slams the door in my face? he doesn't know i'm here, is this really the best idea? what kind of stupid question is that? of course it's not a good idea, but that knowledge isn't going to stop me. nothing can stop me, not when i haven't seen him for a year and the only thing separating us now is a thin piece of wood. i rest my palm over it, taking a deep breath, not even trying to figure out what to say as i knock.

i've learned that sometimes there are no words.

"kenzie, you don't have to kn-," louis says, but his voice cuts off when he swings open the door to find me standing on the other side of it.

and for a second, time stands still, and that second lasts a thousand, and i look at him. i look at his face, at his chiseled jawline and his sunken in cheeks. at his paleness, at the slight line of red under his waterline, as if he's been crying. at the red mark and cut on his face that makes my blood boil. at his curls that fall over his forehead. and at his eyes. his strikingly blue eyes that are swimming with a mixture of surprise and guilt, bluer than any ocean i've ever seen, and i've seen all of them.  
familiar eyes. foreign eyes. his eyes. his beautiful eyes.

"harry," he says quietly, and to hear my name come out of that mouth, to hear his voice say it, it sends butterflies and wasps into my stomach, a feeling of bliss and agony all at once, and i press my lips into a tight line to keep from crying because...

because i've cried in front of him enough times.

"are you okay?" i ask tenderly, looking at him as softly as i can. he hesitates, his eyes becoming shinier as he waits. he tucks his lips in, before nodding, and finally tearing his gaze from mine to look downwards. i don't like this. i don't like not being able to see his eyes. but i'm not going to force him to look at me.

i wait a beat, before speaking again. "you know i hate it when you lie to me," i whisper. louis' head snaps up at that, his eyes and expression one of shock. he opens his mouth, to protest i'm sure, before he falters. i can hear his breath catch in his throat, and then i watch as his face. crumples in despair and he closes his mouth, exhaling slowly. he looks at me with a confused gaze, before surprising me by taking a step closer.

at this proximity i can feel my heart speed up and when i breathe in, i can smell him. he still smells the same. i stare at him, struggling to keep myself together the longer it goes on. he must feel the same way, because it's him who initiates the embrace, not me.

not me.

he suddenly reaches out and pulls me against him, our chests gently colliding as his arms wrap around me and my arms instinctively wrap around him. wrap around his slender torso to hold him to me. i'm thoroughly in shock that he is even okay with this, that he's okay with burying his face in my neck and letting me breathe him in. that he's okay with slipping his arms down to rest on my lower back and pull me impossibly closer.

he has a boyfriend. he left me. how is he okay with this?  
or worse yet, what happened to make him okay with this?

* * *l o u i s* * *

he feels...

he feels the same. the way he holds me is so familiar, and 

it's as if he never let go. wait...correction...

as if i had never let go.

my mind is racing, my heart is beating so fast i'm afraid it's going to actually fly away, and the only thing that is prominent is harry's arms wrapped back around me. he isn't resisting, he's not tense, he's letting me hug him.

why is he letting the person who broke his heart hug him?  
i have a boyfriend, i shouldn't be doing this. but god, i want to. i've wanted to for months, i've missed this feeling for over a year, i have imagined what it would feel like every single day, and it's exceeding my expectations. it feels like bliss, it feels like heaven, it feels like...

it feels like home.

"louis," i hear him say, and to hear my name fall from those lips is like i've been brought back to life, like i was drowning and now i've been pulled from the water. "hmm?" i hum back, my eyes sliding shut as i keep breathing in the scent of him. he hesitates, his hair tickling my ear as he holds me tighter. "what are you doing?”

* * *h a r r y* * *

"what are you doing?"

it's not like i want him to stop because i don't. i don't ever want him to stop. but i have to know what thoughts are running through his head. i need to know if i should continue taking this wall down or if i should be strong and keep it up. it's pathetic really, how a simple embrace of his can destroy a year's worth of building up this wall to protect myself from what is happening right now.

 

but i love him. i'm in love with him. and nothing can stop me from hugging and comforting the person i love, even if it's going to stab me in the back and make me want to kill myself as soon as he inevitably leaves me again.

"i'm hugging you," louis replies, a hint of playful sarcasm in his voice that does nothing to lighten the mood or ease the tension. i furrow my brow, before tightening my grip, afraid that louis will try and end the embrace after what i say. 

"but why are you hugging me?" i reply, my voice a whisper. as expected, i feels louis tense up, and try to retract himself, but as soon as he feels my resistance to that, he stops, melting back against me.

there's a bout of silence the length of a heartbeat before louis speaks again, but to me it feels like ages, dragging on and on as i waits for the words that will either completely shatter his wall or completely shatter my wall. there is no keeping it up now.

"because it's been too long," louis breathes.

* * *l o u i s* * *

i don't know how long we stayed standing there, hugging, but when we finally pulled away from each other, it barely felt as if a second had passed. time acts strangely in these situations.

but after, we just stand there, looking at each other, taking each other's presence in. noting the differences and that which hasn't changed, and i notice that harry's brow furrows as he reaches up to touch the laceration across my cheekbone. "what happened?" he asks, his fingers lightly brushing over the cut. i wince involuntarily at his touch, but don't wish for him to stop. my heart speeds up at his question and i want so desperately to tell him.  
to just reveal everything and spill my secrets and fuck the fact that i'm bound by the law not to. but i can't do that. i can't do that to him. i can't involve him like that, it would be cruel and selfish.

we aren't together, he has no obligation to me, and i don't want to give him one. i shouldn't even be considering this, 

i shouldn't even be here. i shouldn't...

i shouldn't be leaning in to him.

thankfully, he seems to know how bad of an idea it is too, and he takes a step back, his hand falling away from my face. and though i feel a rush of disappointment at the loss of contact, i know that it's for the better. "don't worry about me," i whisper, my eyes fluttering down to look at the ground. my eyes don't stay there for long, before i feel a finger under my chin, and my head being lifted gently up. my watery eyes meet with his steady, striking virescent ones, and i know that even if i wanted to look away i wouldn't be able to.

i see a sadness in his eyes, at it makes my heart break for him, and i hate that it's once again me that is causing it. it's been a year, and i'm still causing him pain.

i shouldn't be here.

"did he hurt you?" he whispers. i feel fresh tears to spring to my eyes at the words, and my immediate reaction is to deny, to shake my head and tell him that i just fell down the stairs. that nick isn't that kind of guy, that he would never do that to me. that he was only angry. and fed up. and...

and tired of pretending just like me. so i can't blame him.  
but i say none of these things. i don't say anything at all. and by saying nothing, i say everything. i see harry's eyes widen in shock before clouding over with a false sense of anger. false, because he shouldn't be angry, he shouldn't be anything. he shouldn't...

he shouldn't be here.

before i can say anything to calm him down, he takes my hand, holding it loosely as he pulls me down the stairs and into the kitchen. kenzie is here, sitting at the table with dozens of papers spread in front of her, a very frustrated look on her face. she glances up, meeting my gaze as i blush, my eyes then darting to my hand resting loosely in harry's, before settling back on her. she has a rather intuitive look now, her eyes sliding back and forth between me and harry, who is rummaging through what is the medicine cabinet.

he is either ignoring kenzie or uncaring of her watching eyes, but it makes me feel like perhaps kenzie isn't quite as adamant on keeping us separated as i have always thought. maybe she knows more of what harry's been through than she's let on.

or maybe she thinks that allowing me to see harry will help my current situation.

she wouldn't be wrong there. because right now, i have never felt safer. i have never felt like maybe...maybe i can last a little bit longer.

maybe i can keep pretending just until the end, if i can have harry after. if he can be my end game.  
but i don't know what i'm saying.

perhaps harry is just being a concerned ex-boyfriend. perhaps there is nothing here and i'm so desperate for rescue that i'm making things up.  
* * *k e n z i e* * *

they still...

they still act the same way around each other. okay, they're a little more timid, a little more awkward, but past that, they're the same. louis moves, harry moves. their hands stay never more than an inch away, but don't ever touch. their eyes try and focus on me, but they slide to each other about once every few seconds, as if they would much rather look at each other than listen to me ramble about copyright law.

i like seeing them together again, even if it's temporary and will probably end in tears or shouting or some sort of ultimatum like...

like last time, but, at least louis seems happy. for the first time in a long time, he doesn't have that hopelessness in his eyes. i really don't miss it, and i wish it would stay away but, it won't. because louis is with nick and has to go back to him at some point. he can't stay here forever.  
i'm sure he knows that. perhaps that's why they keep looking at each other, as if they're trying to take in as much as they can before they're ultimately torn apart again. god i wish i could help them, i wish i could save both harry and louis, but i can't. i can barely save louis.

but maybe there's a way that i can save harry too. it's a thought that entered my mind as soon as they entered the kitchen after doing who knows what upstairs. i don't think they did do anything, they weren't alone for long, but who knows. it's none of my business, which is ironic because it's my job to know all of louis' business. but there's a thought.

i'm trying to find a loophole, and i think i've got one. but i can't harness it and use it to get louis out of this fucking contract unless i have a third party involved. and as much as i hate to do it, as much as i know it will hurt them before it heals them, i'm afraid it's the only thing that could work.  
because louis thinks that the contract ends after the year is up. but i'm a lawyer and i wouldn't be a very good one if i thought it wouldn't be renewed for another year, maybe more.

he won't survive another year.

so i'm going to have to ruin him first, to save him.

correction...

i'm going to have to ask harry to ruin him.

fuck.

 

* * *h a r r y* * *

he stays the night, because kenzie says that it'll be okay and because i say that it's a good idea. i tell him that he needs to give nick time to cool down, even when the last thing i want for him is to go back to the person that hurt him. but soon, if he stays longer, nick will come knocking, and it really isn't a good idea for him to see me or for me to see him. 

not a good idea at all.

i don't mean to stay the night, because it's not my house and i didn't have any reason besides louis to stay, and even though nobody will ever know and even though i'm sure kenzie wouldn't try and stop me, i really truly do not mean to stay. i'm actually on my way out when i pass by the guest room, and i hear him call out my name.

"haz," he says weakly, his voice tired, as if he's already half asleep. i stop outside of the door, my cheeks flushing as i look inside, seeing the blurred outline of his body and his clear blue eyes in the darkness. like two little shining galaxies. "yeah?" i ask, my voice quiet. louis shuffles a bit, sitting up in bed it appears. he stares at me for a moment, before speaking again.

”come here," he whispers. i almost don't quite make out his words, and when i do, i almost ask him to repeat himself because i don't believe them. but i do hear, and almost before my mind can even process, my feet move forward, and i'm inside the bedroom that we used to share, and i'm at the side of the bed. looking down at the boy i used to love. correction...

the boy i still love.

i look at him, and he looks up at me, and his eyes are guarded, i can't read them, i have no idea what he's going to do or say. i feel myself growing more wary as the time ticks by, my rationale kicking in and telling me to leave, that this isn't my place, that louis is taken and in love with someone else and-

and he's grabbing me, and i'm being pulled into the bed, falling on top of him essentially, my legs moving of their own accord as i quickly support myself by straddling louis' waist. all thoughts are put on hold as the emotions crash over me, and i can't focus on anything except the fact that his hands are all over me, pulling me closer, running up my sides before settling on my face, my cheeks.  
our eyes collide in that darkness, and i can see the sadness in his eyes, and the desperation, and the plea. i can feel him slightly trembling beneath me, and all i want to do is gather him up in my arms and hold him like i used to and tell him that everything is going to be okay. and so...

that's what i do.

because apparently all the lines are being crossed and all the walls are being shattered, and i want to. i gently loop my arms underneath him to lift him upwards, our eyes staying connected the entire time. he relaxes a bit under my touch, but he keeps his hands on my face, and i keep my arms around him, and when we're so close that i can see the purple veins around his eyes, i feel whole again.

"i'm sorry," louis breathes, his eyes watering. i only shake my head, shushing him quietly. he frowns in shame, before taking a deep breath, and suddenly leaning forward to rest his head on my chest, sighing slowly.

he cuddles into me, and i let him, my arms wrapping protectively around him.

i just want to know what he's thinking.

* * *h a r r y* * *

i wrote just like you to the rhythm of his heartbeat. it's something that i won't ever forget. i gave him every piece of me when i wrote that album, every song catered to him, written for him, dedicated...to him.

and then everything fell apart, and i had to go on tour, and sing those songs that brought me then only sadness and not happiness. and then i had to do it again, but that time, i had someone. someone i could sing them to and sing them for and it made things a little bit better in the beginning, when i was so hopeful that i could make things work. when i actually did feel something for nick.

there was a moment when i thought that this was how it was supposed to go, contract or not i was going to wind up with nick. because his smile did light up the room and he did treat me like his boyfriend even if it was only on paper that he had to. and for a time being, i didn't feel trapped.  
but that time passed and those feelings faded as 

everything became faker and faker and i started to forget who i really was. i didn't recognize myself anymore. the smiles i wore were fake, the moments i had with nick were fake, everything was fake. and everyone believed the lie.  
including harry.

and i think that's the worst part. knowing that he's seeing this, or has seen everything up until now, and believing that i've moved on, that i love somebody else, when in fact i never stopped loving him. i thought i did, i thought i was meant to be without him, but...

but i was wrong.

and yet here i am, in his arms with my head against his chest, listening to the beat that i wrote my album to, and i don't ever want to leave.

but i know i have to go back. back to nick, even though it makes my blood run cold and tears to gather in my eyes. but it's going to have to happen. it's in the contract, i can't leave nick. or they'll take everything away from me.  
always read the fine print.

besides, i can't even imagine what harry is thinking right now. his ex-boyfriend who broke his heart and started publicly dating someone new mere months after is back in his life, in his arms, with a cut face and his own broken heart...

i wonder what he's thinking. i just want to be able to put his mind at ease.

but i can’t.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

"i hate that he went back to him," harry says, except he snarls on the last word, his lips curling up as he checks his phone for the thousandth time. i don't know why he's expecting louis to contact him, he did quite literally just walk out of the door, but i keep my thoughts on that matter to myself. "he'll be okay, nick usually isn't violent," i say, but i can't be sure if i say it for me or for harry.

i can feel harry's eyes on me, but i ignore them, instead sifting through my files until i unearth louis'. one that's been opened so many times the spine is frayed and the edges are soft. his name has long since been rubbed out, but i'd know his file anywhere. i open it up, sighing as i reread the words i've long since memorized.

the loophole. a way out of this contract that louis has found himself in the middle of. a loophole that requires a key. a key that could be harry, but only if he's willing. willing to break louis' heart...

to save his life.

if for any reason, the client finds himself or herself in any extraneous relationship that benefits the former as well as the latter, said extraneous relationship will be emphasized, and the latter will be expelled from the legal bounds, and the contraction will be terminated.

i read these words, i comprehend their implications, and i try and wrap my mind around how i'm supposed to ask harry franta, one of the kindest people i know, to be so cruel.

i lift my eyes to find those green ones already trained on me, reflecting back the same worry i feel, but perhaps a different motivation. "kenzie, how can you let him go back to the person he ran from?" harry asks quietly, and it's with a sigh that i realize he's still stuck on that.

of course he is. he doesn't know about the contract.

"it's just not as simple as you think, louis and nick," i mutter, knowing that i'm breaking legal code right now. that this contract is sealed, to be discussed only by those involved, and while i have signed a non-disclosure agreement, that there is a loophole that i don't have to search hard to find.

i keep eye contact with harry, watching the confusion mix with the worry, and i bite my lip, wishing i could just explain everything to him. but i can't. at least not directly. what i do instead is i pat the papers in front of me, hoping that harry gets the message, and then i stand up, running my fingers through my long hair. "i need to go make a few calls, but you're more than welcome to stay here," i say quietly, resting my hand on his shoulder, before walking out of the kitchen.

i hope he reads it. i hope he understands.

but above all, i hope he's willing to hear me out.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

if you're confused...you're right.  
that's what they told me on my first day of law school. i've learned that that statement applies to more than just law nowadays.

it applies to this story as well.

* * *l o u i s* * *

"will you even accept my apology?" nick asks, his voice broken and his eyes lost. i stare at him, my eyes darting down to the hand that connected with my cheek, before looking back into his hazel eyes. and the first thing i want to do is say yes, that i will accept his apology, because he's my boyfriend, and i love him, but...

but then the second thing i want to do kicks in. because the first thing is what's hard wired into me, what i'm programmed to think. what i've programmed myself to think, as a coping mechanism.

just believe the lie, louis. believe it and maybe it won't hurt as much.

but it never has worked. i've never been able to convince myself. and so i do the second thing instead. i shake my head, wrapping my arms around myself as i move past him and go up the stairs. i climb them slowly, my mind elsewhere as i enter the bedroom that is supposed to be shared with nick but is mine alone. i distractedly peel off my clothes that i slept in, that smell of harry if i think about it enough, and crawl between the sheets despite the fact that i slept all night.

i'm not looking for sleep. i'm looking for darkness, for solitude, for a place where i can lay and cry and wish that harry was with me. because after being around him again, it's like a drug and i've relapsed. i've tasted that alcohol i've felt that high and i want to feel it again. because he made me feel safe for the first time. and he made me feel loved, even when i didn't deserve it.

he doesn't know about the contract. he doesn't know about the...

the fake boyfriend. the publicity stunts. the way that they have me trapped so tightly that they could quite literally ruin me if i pissed them off.

no.

he just thinks i'm in love with somebody else, he just thinks i've moved on. he just thinks that i chose the tour, and then i chose nick.

he doesn't know the reality of it all. and he never will. and i can't tell him.

my sheets are stained with my tears.

* * *h a r r y* * *

i read the contract. i read the entire fucking thing all the way down the fine print and by the end i just wanted to tear it up, burn it, destroy it somehow.

i also read all of kenzie's notes, though i'll admit that they didn't make much sense to me, since i don't have an education in law, but she's done a lot of research on this thing.

like a lot.

and it doesn't seem like she's found much of anything. this contract seems airtight, which i guess is the point. it's meant to trap the client with its promises of money and fame and compliancy, even if that last part is false. even if it was just added to further drag it's victim into captivity.  
louis signed this mere months after we broke up. i can't say i know what he was thinking or why he was so quick to sign away his life and his control, but my mind likes working against me, so i can only blame it on me. that he was heartbroken after our breakup and wasn't thinking straight.

but perhaps i'll never know.

all i know is that i have to save him. i have to get him out of this contract somehow because it isn't just a harmless fake relationship anymore. nick has hurt louis, he's hurt him and louis can't leave him because that will be in breach of contract.

because god forbid louis tomlinson go through another breakup scandal like he did with me. god forbid his image take a hit like that.

no, we'd prefer him having a few scrapes and bruises but still a boyfriend to show off for the monetary gain it provides.

i clench my hands into fists as i stand up suddenly, pushing the papers away. i immediately go upstairs to where i know kenzie is in her room, and i knock loudly, my heart racing and everything outlined in red with both anger and a fiery need to protect the one i love.

kenzie opens the door with a sad look on her face, her blue-green eyes sparkling in the half-light of the rising sun. 

"we have to save him," i spit. kenzie's face crumples as she nods, stepping back to allow me to step into her room. i do so, faintly registering the scent of lavender.

kenzie looks up at me, her expression a mixture of serious and sad, and i want to hug her, but i can't make myself. it's not she who needs my comfort.

"to save him, i have to ask you to do something horrible," she whispers.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

"i need you to fall in love with nick, to save louis,"

i say the words slowly, my eyes steady, my voice steady, everything steady.

"if nick falls for you, and chooses to leave louis, then louis will be free, and i can terminate the contract, and as soon as i do that, you can leave nick, and be with louis,"  
it sounds ridiculous even to me, as i say it. but it's the only way. that's the loophole. it's the only way that louis can both get out of the contract and have it terminated so that it can't be renewed.

and i know it's going to kill him. it's going to destroy him. but nick is sitting pretty, and he won't willingly fall for someone else unless that person is his soulmate. 

someone who makes him want the relationship more than the money. and i think harry can be that person. he has a history with louis, which we can use to talk nick out of staying with him, and harry can be charming and very easy to fall in love with, if i play the cards just right.

i'm the director of this tragedy, and i have three characters but only one actor. and this is make or break. if we fail or get caught, we could quite literally go to jail. prison.

i tell this to harry. i tell him everything. every single thing. and i watch as his face falls and he deteriorates in front of me. and i realize something...

louis isn't the only one i'm going to have to ruin to save him.

i told you this was a tragedy.

* * *h a r r y* * *

i can't. what kenzie is asking of me, i can't do it. i can't pretend to fall in love with the person that hurt louis. i can't pretend to fall in love with anyone, but to ask me to fall in love with my ex-boyfriend's abusive fake boyfriend? how the fuck am i supposed to pull that off.

it's been a few days since kenzie asked this monumental favor of me, and i haven't stopped thinking about it. of course i haven't stopped thinking about it. she hasn't tried convincing me yet, most likely giving me time to process the request first, but i know that she's going to. she's going to pull out all her lawyer tricks and convince me to do it.

but right now, i'm saying no. i've resolved myself to say no, i won't do that. i won't do that to louis. i can't do that to louis. and if she asks why, i'll tell her the truth. i'll tell her that i'm...

that i'm still in love with him.

and that i can never hurt him the way he hurt me. i can't do that to him, not when he's already hurting this badly. there has to be another way.

i show up at kenzie's apartment four days after the proposition, my mind made up, my words chosen carefully, everything planned out. and then the door opens and kenzie is standing there with a desperate expression on her face. "shh, he's sleeping," she whispers, pulling me inside and gently shutting the door behind me. i instantly look over to the living room couch, where i see none other than louis, fast asleep on the cushions.

my resolve instantly falters as i watch him sleep, his stomach slowly rising and falling, his forehead creased even in unconsciousness. before i can study him more, i'm being pulled into the kitchen by kenzie, who has a determined look on her face.

i swallow nervously as i look at her, noting the dark shadows under her eyes and the faint tear tracks that have stained her cheeks. what happened?

"this isn't a choice anymore, harry," she says quietly. i listen to her, my eyes wide and sad, jaw clenched as i realize i'm about to be convinced. "if you don't do this, we will lose him. whether it be because of nick, or because louis opting out, we will lose him," she looks up at me with glistening eyes and in this moment i realize in all my years of knowing kenzie i have never seen her cry.

"and i don't mean the type of loss where the person just isn't close to you anymore or your friend anymore or your lover," she continues. "i mean the loss of life," her eyes strike mine with her next words and i can see the conviction in them and i know that her words ring true.

"he will die if we don't get him out of this trap, he will commit suicide or nick will hit him a little too hard, and we will lose him," she hisses. her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are wide and i can see how she is begging me. she is begging me to do this to save her best friend.

"if you still love him, which i know you do, then this isn't a choice anymore," she whispers next, suddenly melancholy. she drops her gaze as she steps back, running a hand through her long brown hair. she waits a beat, before sighing, heading back over to the living room, presumably to check on louis.

"why is he here? did nick hurt him again?" i ask, my voice strangely steady despite the fact that my mind and my heart are going crazy. kenzie pauses before looking over her shoulder. "not hurt…rape,"

* * *l o u i s* * *

i wake up because i feel fingers brushing my hair out of my eyes. soft fingers, familiar fingers. they push my hair out of the way, and then continue to stroke my forehead, caressing the smooth skin and relaxing the creases and smoothing out the edges.

i lean into the touch, keeping my eyes closed, because i'm afraid that if i open them the fingers will stop. they do hesitate a bit at my movement, but resume their ministrations quickly after, even gentler than before.  
i'm tired, weak, and very sore lying on kenzie's couch. i can't quite remember what happened to get me over here, but i know that it was bad. i know that wherever i came from, i don't want to go back. i want to stay here, with these fingers in my hair and the door locked to anyone who can hurt me.

the fingers turn into a hand that cups my cheek, thumb lightly running across my cheekbone, and i can smell the sweet scent of vanilla and coffee beans and a hint of cinnamon and i know in this moment that it's harry's hand. i don't know why he's here, but i don't question it. i just squeeze my eyes shut tighter and relish in the feeling of his soft skin on mine.

he continues caressing my face, thumb creating a pattern on my cheek, and i can hear his breathing. slow and steady, strong. i used to fall asleep to it, i used to listen for it, i used to copy it when i was having trouble calming down. i'd know his pattern of breathing anywhere.

he's so close to me, and i feel so safe, like nothing has ever or will ever happen to me and i find myself once again wondering why i left him in the first place. why did i choose the tour over him? and why did i sign that fucking contract?

i feel something drip onto my lip, something wet. but before i can figure out what it is, i feel something entirely different and monumentally better.

a pair of the softest lips on this planet. pressing barely against mine, not even enough to call it a kiss really. just enough to remove the droplet of moisture, lingering only a few seconds. i don't dare kiss back, because i'm supposed to be asleep and i have no idea what he'll do in response, but i feel my heart speed up. my blood runs a little warmer and suddenly life is worth living.

until the lips disappear, and my eyes automatically flutter open to reveal an empty living room.

there's nobody here. no harry. no fingers, no hands, no breathing, no lips. just four walls and roof. i heat movement in the kitchen, and when i lift my head just barely i can see the top of kenzie's head. i wonder if i imagined the whole thing or not. if i just dreamed it because my subconscious decided to cut me a break and give me a little bit of happiness, even if it was fake and short-lived.

"kenzie?" i ask, my voice hoarse. "coming," she says quietly, walking around the counter and revealing herself. she's holding a glass of water in her hand, and has a soft smile on her face. "how are you feeling?" she asks, sitting down and helping me sit up. "like shit," i reply, accepting the glass and taking a little drink. it's cold and feels good on my throat but the only thing i can think of is that strange teardrop on my lip.

"was anyone here? just now?" i ask. i look at kenzie, trying to read her face to see if she's lying, but she's a lawyer, and her poker face is excellent. i can't see a thing. she gives a little furrow of the brow and shake of her head as she answers. "no, nobody's been here since you've arrived, why?"

i shrug my shoulders, looking down and trying not to get emotional over the fact that it was just a dream. just a dream...

or maybe a nightmare.

* * *h a r r y* * *

it disgusts me to look at him. it takes all of my self control not to bash his fucking face in. it takes even more to smile at him.

but it's what i have to do. i have to play the part and play it well. and not think about the fact that not only am i kind of in some twisted way becoming a backwards kind of cheater, i'm also having to flirt with a through and through rapist.

kenzie says that it wasn't intentional rape, that louis gave consent but only because he was afraid that nick would just force him to anyways, but that doesn't change things in my mind. if louis says he was raped, then he was raped. that's not something you question, ever.

kenzie tells me about a coffee shop that nick frequents, and i decides to make that destination the first place i goes to start the process. operation 'break louis' heart by dating his current boyfriend' or whatever you want to call it is officially underway.

sure enough, nick is there, dressed kind of like a douchebag with his sweater cardigan and cuffed jeans and while i realize it's something i would wear as well, it just looks particularly douchy on him. but maybe i have a negative disposition for some strange reason.

i walk up to the register, pretending to be confused about the menu, hoping it gets his attention, and it does. he turns to me, following my gaze, a little smile on his face. i'll admit, he has a very kind face, which really only makes me angrier because it's a face that everyone trusts, that nobody would ever suspect of belonging to such an awful person. his hazel eyes drift a moment, before he finally speaks, and i hear his voice.

it makes my insides contact with disgust, but i force myself to keep a straight face, maintaining my faux confusion. 

"you've never been here before, have you?" he asks, my head immediately turning. and now i'm looking into his bedroom eyes, and i'll admit, they're softer than i expected, and a little bit of my anger dissipates for just a moment, before i remember who he is and what he's done, and it returns.

"um, is it that obvious?" i reply, purposely making my voice shaky and my expression a little awkwardly embarrassed. nick chuckles, a warm chorus of bells that really pisses me off, and he steps closer turning to point up at the menu. he's very tall. "i suggest the caramel mocha, with skim milk, for a first-timer," he says gently. i involuntarily let out a laugh, shaking my head. "i'm an experienced coffee drinker, don't go easy on me," i say without really thinking about it. i instantly blush, but not because of nick's smile and laughter at the comment but out of shame for myself.  
because that was flat-out flirting, and i wasn't even trying. 

it just happened.

it just happened.

* * *l o u i s* * *

if i could stay in bed all day, i would. i'd stay wrapped under the covers with the darkness surrounding me and making me think that my reality is just a nightmare, but i can't. i can't stay in bed all day. i have to get up and take a shower, get dressed, and then go to the studio for a few hours. then i have a public outing scheduled with nick.  
everything is part of a schedule now. my entire life down to the second is scheduled. because god forbid i be allowed to do what i want.

nick isn't here right now, he's out running errands or something, and i'm grateful for the solitude because i can't seem to stop myself from shaking when i look him in the eye. so afraid that he'll force me to do things with him that i don't want to do. things that i never thought i'd do with him.  
things that i've only ever done with harry but with him it was completely different. it wasn't scary or painful or tormenting. it was beautiful and perfect and loving. strange how such a contrast can exist depending on the other half of the equation.

i can't go through that again.

as i stand up to take a shower i can still feel the bruises on my hipbones and the scratches on my shoulder blades, and they disgust me. how weak am i to let him do that to me? how weak am i to not even fight back a little?  
and how weak am i that even though i hated it, even though it was like torture to me and i wished for death during, even though i felt those things, my body still betrayed me and i came? how fucking weak am i for that?  
the shower water runs red as i press those silver blades into my wrists and i let that physical pain distract me from all mental and emotional pain i'm feeling. it feels good to have that distraction. i press again. it feels cold against my wrists and makes the blood pump harder against my eardrums. i press again.

i wonder what harry is doing right now. i hope whatever it is he isn't thinking about me like i'm thinking about him. i press again. i shouldn't have hugged him the way i did i should have just left him be. i press again.

i shouldn't have left him in the first place. i press again.

i love him.

i press again.

* * *h a r r y* * *

back at the coffee shop and this time i'm sitting across from him, with a mug that he ordered for me and a little not-so-subtle heart next to my name. i hold it tightly to keep me grounded, to keep me from lunging over the table and tacking his stupid toned body to the ground. his hazel eyes are clouded today, as if he had been crying or something, but when i look into them i don't see a sadness. not like what i saw when i looked into louis' eyes.

i wonder how he's doing. the fact that the person i'm having coffee with probably knows exactly how he's doing is a fact that hasn't escaped me and while the questions burn my tongue i know i cannot ask them. that's not what i'm here for. i'm here to flirt, to charm, to get nick to somehow fall in love with me and leave louis.  
and despite my doubts and disgust, it seems to be working. i'm picking up on his tells, on the way he responds to my words and movements. so not only is nick an abusive raping boyfriend, but now he's an abusive raping cheating boyfriend. but at least it's going to save louis. i hope it does.

this is our only shot.

"so harry," nick says, reaching his hand across the table to settle it on top of mine. i almost immediately jerk it away, but i stop myself just in time, keeping it there even though his hand feels like mine has been dropped into burning lava. why are his hands so fucking warm? and soft? why are they so soft and gentle?

”when are we going to talk about your ex-boyfriend who happens to be my current boyfriend?”

* * *k e n z i e* * *

"progress report, styles," i say, trying to be lighthearted even though the situation is entirely inappropriate for such a thing. but i'm nervous and i get awkward when i'm nervous so i don't try and retract the statement. harry looks over at me from where we're sitting in my office, him criss-crossed on the couch while i lounge in my office seat with the desk between us.

he chews the inside of his cheek for a minute before answering, his voice small. "it's going well...we talked about louis yesterday," he says. i feel my eyes pop at the words, and my heart instantly aches with worry as i sit up straighter, scooting up. "you did?" i ask, my voice completely giving me away, though i do it on purpose. he needs to know that i'm not exactly okay with what's expired.

he nods, before running a hand through his hair, exasperated. "don't worry, i convinced him that louis and i are ancient history and that i harbor a lot of ill will towards him," he explains. i watch him curiously, tilting my head just a little at his explanation. it sounds truthful, and i haven't gotten a call from louis that nick has exploded on him or hurt him again or anything so i guess it must be the truth.

harry is watching for my response and so i give him a simple one, just nodding and leaning back in my seat. 

"okay, good," i tack on to the end. he looks at me somewhat dissatisfied, but tucks his lips in anyway and returns the nod, standing up and shoving his hands in his pockets. i watch him as he heads to the door, before, standing up suddenly too, walking over to him.

he freezes where he is, looking at me with confusion, his virescent eyes sparkling. i stare up at them for a moment, before gently pulling him into a hug, resting my cheek on his shoulder. "thank you, for all that you're doing," i whisper. harry tenses up, not hugging me back, just jerking his head in a nod and stepping away from me. i suppose i can't blame him at all, so i don't convey the slight hurt i feel.

i just pat his shoulder, smiling a bit. i step back then, opening my door for him. he looks at me a final time, before slipping out, his head ducking down as he does. i gently close the door after him and let my mask fall, a sad sigh escaping my lips as i circle back to my desk. i sit down and proceed to pull some files on another client of mine. a poor pair of british siblings with copyright infringement on their merchandise line. i'm just starting to get into that vibe of things when my door opens again.  
i'm expecting harry for some reason, but when i lift my head, i'm startled to see that it's not harry, it's nick.

* * *l o u i s* * *

i feel distant from nick. more distant that usual that is. usually he tries to interact with me even when we're alone and i clearly don't want to. but now, he doesn't even say hello or make eye contact or act like i exist. which i guess is a good thing? i hate any interaction with him outside of the public eye, so i guess he's finally picking up on that and giving me some space?

or maybe he's just getting tired of pretending too. or maybe he's just plotting how he's going to hurt me next. except no...no he's not like that. he's not malevolent on purpose. i have turned him into the villain of this story but i shouldn't have. i gave him permission to have sex with me, and he didn't truly force me to do anything. i just kind of ceased and desisted and let him do what he wanted because i was too afraid to say no. i guess? does that still make it rape then?

in my mind...no. i told him he could, i didn't fight him on it, but the whole time...i felt like i was being taken advantage of, like i was being violated, even though he wasn't trying to hurt me, and my body did react to the stimulation. so i don't know. is he a rapist? or am i just a pacifist who cried rape?

it's all overwhelming and i don't know what to think and so i sit in the house that we share and i wonder if he's going to ask me again and if i'll say yes again or if i'll say no and what will happen if i choose the latter. i know he only asked in the first place because he wanted to feel something and it's not like we hadn't before. it's just...

we're not in love. so it's not the same. it's awkward and uncomfortable and something that i do not like participating in. terminology be damned, i do not want him to fuck me again.

my thoughts race around in my head in a confusing pattern, not really following a train of order, sporadic and jumping from topic to topic, hundreds of blurbs flashing through my aching head.

he's distant. and i'm going to take that as a good thing. the more he ignores me the less pain i have to directly deal with. if i don't have to look at him or touch him, if i can just keep to myself, then maybe i'll make it through this. the more nights he spends out with who knows who doing who knows what the less nights he's spending with me and the more sleep i can get. the better i can feel.  
i  
wonder what he's doing. on those nights i mean. what he's doing or who it's all really the same to me. maybe he'll find someone that he loves and then he'll spend all of his time with them and i'll only have to deal with the public appearances. that would be nice.

i hope he's met someone.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

"nick...what can i do for you?" i ask, smoothing out my face and sitting down as he does. he sits in the space that harry just occupied and the contrast is almost comical. i stifle a laugh, masking it as a convincing cough, as nick leans forward.

"i wanna know about the guidelines of the contract between me and louis," he replies, his hazel eyes sparkling with a kind of backwards sort of excitement. my eyes widen as i sit up straighter, folding my hands on my desk. "you have your lawyer don't you? why not talk to them?" i say kindly, really not wanting to talk about the contract with him. while i know he's the other half of it, it's always been something shared between me and louis exclusively and now harry. but never nick. he was always the invisible figure, the one that we all knew existed but pretended didn't.

nick sighs, running a hand through his jet black hair as he leans back against the couch cushions. "hari is busy, she's always busy, and i'd just prefer to have this conversation with you, since you're close with louis," he explains. i blink a few times, trying to process his words, before i slowly nod, wondering what exactly he's getting at. nick bites his lip, his eyes gaining a faraway, distant look as he speaks, his voice airy and distracted.

"i'm talking with harry styles, louis' ex, and i don't know...i find myself enjoying our time together more and more, and i just want to make sure that i'm not violating anything," he says, his eyes flitting to meet mine towards the end. i want to let my jaw drop at the confession, i want to scream and cheer and cry all at the same time because it's working. it's actually working and i can relax.

"oh, well, i don't see how it's an issue, as long as you keep it discreet,”

 

* * *h a r r y* * *

it's weird, watching someone fall for you and not experiencing the same thing. it's like watching a concert but not knowing the artist, or eating a food that you can't taste. it's foreign, it's...

it's weird. not morally correct. not emotionally sound.  
i can see it with nick. the way he looks at me, the way he smiles when i arrive for our dates, and the way he always initiates some sort of physical contact. it hasn't escalated past hand-holding, but i have a sickening feeling that tonight will be the night i have to kiss him.

it makes my stomach churn it makes me hate myself it makes me want to take a gun and put it to my head just so i don't have to do it. so i don't have to continue with this act that's working. that he's falling for.

and that soon, louis will find out about.

i don't know what i'm going to do when he does. when he sees what i've done to him. how i've broken him. perhaps 

i'll just break myself too. 

the kiss happens on a sunday after brunch. we're walking a path lined with flowers and i'm only pretending to listen to nick talk, when suddenly he isn't talking, and he's facing me, a dazzling smile on his face. one that momentarily makes me forget my purpose, and when he leans down, and presses his lips tom mine, that feeling spikes.  
before it fades and all of a sudden...

i hate myself.

* * *l o u i s* * *

it's late and i'm a little tipsy but i'm not lost. i know exactly where i am. i'm outside of harry's house, and i know he's home. i've wandered here because nick is asleep and my mind can't stop thinking about the boy i left behind, and like i said i'm a little buzzed which means i don't care how he'll react to me showing up on his doorstep.

i knock twice, waiting for him the answer. as i wait, i look around the outside of his apartment, and the only thing that's really changed are the flowers in the pots on either side of his door. everything else is the same.

except perhaps the boy living inside. he's completely different. but also kind of the same? it's complicated and i'm not willing to think that much right now.

i squint against the warm yellow glow when harry opens his door, my eyes adjusting rather slowly, really only able to take in his harsh outline against the light. but i soon find his eyes, and they're a mixture of confused, surprised, and a third emotion that i'm too tipsy to name. "hi," i say, my eyes wide as i stand up straight, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth out of nerves.

harry blinks a few times, his hand still on the door, holding it open. "hi, louis," he replies back, his voice soft and small, as if my name is leaving a bitter taste in his mouth or something. i smile at his voice, shoving my hands into my pockets as a sway a little, chewing my lip as i try and figure out what to say next. i didn't really come here with any intentions, so i don't have it planned out what i'm going to say.

"how's it going?" i ask, which in any sober state would be a weird question in itself given our history, but in my tipsy state it just sounds even weirder. i feel my brow furrowing as i say the words, my face a mask of my own confusion. harry hesitates, before stepping a little closer to me, his face coming in clearer focus. it's only now that i realize how pale he is. he's never been this pale before. "are you drunk?" he asks back.

my eyes widen as i shake my head, removing my hands from my pockets to hold them up in surrender. "no, just tipsy, i promise," i reply, my voice slightly shaky. i'm not lying though. i'm not drunk. if i were i certainly wouldn't have been left standing here this long. harry gazes at me, a gentle concern laced through his features, before he nods and steps back. "you should go home, louis," he responds. at those words, i feel a sudden rush of fear for some reason, my own skin paling as i quickly shake my head in protest, tears of betrayal pricking at the corners of my eyes.

"it's cold at home, harry," i whisper. "it's not my home," i look up at him then, my eyes shining, obvious desperation leaking through every pore of my body, and it's a good thing i have alcohol in my system to cover up the feeling of shame i would have if i were completely sober. harry's face crumples as he slumps a little, biting his own lip. "this isn't your home either, louis," he whispers back, the words so soft it's almost like he doesn't want to say them.

it feels like i've been stabbed in the heart, said heart has been ripped out, and then stomped on. it's a betrayal of the deepest sort, and i feel my jaw drop, and the tears spill over as i take a shaky step back away from the door and away from harry. "i know th-that," i reply, my voice thick with tears. i do know that it's not my home but it's not the physical place i'm referring to. it's harry. he's my home. and since i have no inhibitions right now, i tell him that.

"you're my home, harry," i say, my voice quiet and weak and pathetic. i lift my eyes to see his reaction, but all i see is a sad, pitiful look on his face. he's pitying me. poor little louis tomlinson with his music career and model boyfriend that abuses him. what a horrible life. i look away then, tucking my lips in and nodding. i start to turn away then, finding it pointless to stay any longer when i'm clearly not welcome, but before i even make the full rotation, i feel a gentle hand grab mine and pull me back.

pull me, turn me around, put another hand on the back of my neck, and tilt my head to press his lips against mine.

* * *h a r r y* * *

"you're my home, harry," he says, and his voice sounds so innocent, so full of pain and of truth and i find myself wanting to pass out if only to get away from all of this. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. how do you respond to something as heavy as that? this life is too overwhelming, it expects too much of me. i don't know what to do.

i watch him as he nods, seemingly taking my silence as a dismissal, and turning around. as he does, i realize that i can't let him leave again. i can't let him turn his back on me and walk away, not like last time. even if last time it was because he wanted to and not because of me. i have to do what i didn't last time.

but i shouldn't. i shouldn't get involved like this, i need to stand by my promise to kenzie and to louis though he is unaware. i have to keep pretending to love nick i have to keep him falling in love with me so that i can save louis. and if i do this, i could jeopardize the entire operation. is it really worth that risk?

but is it also worth him having to walk away again, back to that heart so cold, back to his home that isn't his home? how can i let him do that? it's not like he knows about me and nick and he's not like he'd ever tell nick. and nick doesn't ever have to know. nobody has to know. it can just be between me and him.

and so i reach out, and i pull him back to me, and i do what i've waited over a year to do again. i put my hand on the back of his neck, and gently press my lips to his. they're soft and feel so familiar, molding to mine like puzzle pieces, and when he sighs into it, and immediately kisses me back, i know that he's wanted this too.

we stumble back into my apartment, shutting the door by pushing louis up against it gently, still keeping things relatively slow, my hands moving to rest on either cheek of his, my thumbs running over his cheekbones, feeling his warm, smooth skin on my palms again. our lips move together like two dancers, parting and reattaching, our tongues barely peeking out to run across each other's lower lip. my eyes are closed and so are his, and he tilts his head to kiss me more, passion leaking into it as he his hands card themselves through my hair.

he doesn't pull on it, just lets them rest loosely, barely stroking my head. i continue kissing him, opening my mouth to let him introduce tongue, which he does, slowly. he runs it over my lower lip, before slipping it past, inhaling deeply, gently licking into my mouth, exploring every crevice i have to offer. i let him, meeting his tongue only barely, getting enough of the taste of him without battling for dominance.

he presses his body against mine needily, moving his hands to lock behind my neck, keeping me securely in place. i, in turn, move my hands to wrap around his slender torso, pulling him against me more, to where he's curved around me, in a manner that could quickly turn sexual if he decided. feeling him against me, so close that i can feel the reverberations of his heartbeat, it's almost too much and i almost pull away. but then i don't, because louis does first.

but he doesn't hesitate to kiss down my jaw, eyes still closed, giving me time to have a breather of sorts. i keep my arms locked and his body flush on mine, and i just relish in the feeling of the wet kisses he's leaving all across my jaw and down my neck, wondering just how far we're going to go.

* * *l o u i s* * *

his hands are all over me and i feel everything all at once, feelings of love and lust intermixed with the physical feeling of his body moving with mine. his hands are warm as they travel

over my chest and between my thighs and wrap around me in a way that makes my head spin.

i haven't forgotten how everything feels, it's all coming back to me, the movements and the kisses and the moans and the ecstasy. it's nothing like what i've shared with nick, it's soft and gentle and loving and i want to be here. i want him to hold me, his arms wrapped around my slender body, his eyes virescent to my cerulean and everything perfect.

he doesn't stare at the scars on my hips and inner thighs he doesn't judge me for the bruises or for being a little hesitant. he kisses me and he goes slowly and he loves me. he's everywhere at once and i'm overwhelmed in the best way.

when he's inside of me, and i feel that feeling of being connected to him in such a personal way, it makes tears come to my eyes and i tighten m grip around his neck. he makes me feel important, safe, loved, and in this moment i forget about the contract and about nick and about everything shitty in this world.

i arch my back and let my lips capture his as i find my release, my legs shaking with it and tears rolling down my eyes as i press his body impossibly closer to mine, the thin sheen of sweat on his chest causing it to slide with mine, our heartbeats aligning. he presses his face into my neck, his hot breath hitting the skin at even intervals, speeding up as he approaches his high next, supplying me that warmth and causing his arms to contract and pull me against him even more.

after, we lay there, still connected, just breathing each other in, silent tears dripping as the reality comes back to us and i realize i'm going to have to leave again. he knows and i know and when we kiss for the last time...

we both taste each other's tears.

* * *k e n z i e* * *

i get a call late at night from louis. he's in tears but not the desperate kind. he's not pleading for help, it's more like he's confessing to something. but it's not a confession i get. just a lot of crackly guilt and self-shame and begs for forgiveness.

"please don't think i'm trying to ruin whatever you've done, i just had to do something that i wanted to do, just for once," he says, his voice thick with tears and cracked with sadness. broken.

it's a broken voice.

i tell him it's okay i tell him that he's an independent person and that he's allowed to do what he wants and i can't stop him. he seems pretty rattled and i wish i knew what exactly it was that he did for himself but i'm too caught up in his next words to really focus on that.  
"kenzie, please tell me you've found a way to help me, please tell me you've found that loophole," he begs. i freeze at that, unsure of what to say.

i'm going to have to lie i know that. but i can't just leave him with nothing. i can't tell him that i haven't found anything. i'm afraid that if i do that he'll actually try something. that those blades will turn vertical and the cuts will as well.

and six on the wrists will become eight.

"we need to talk, louis,”

* * *k e n z i e* * *

there are things that are done in this world, that don't fit into either the 'good' nor the 'evil' categories. they fall in the middle, swaying both ways depending on the perspective. these things are what we call 'necessary'. they're a 'necessary good' or more commonly  
a 'necessary evil'.

things that have to be done because the result will benefit the many rather than the few. utilitarianism, or the belief in the greatest good for the greatest number. something that i've always believed in. and while this doesn't apply to this situation, it's basic founding principles adhere to my logic behind what i'm about to tell louis.

i want him to be happy, but to achieve that, i have to destroy him. i have to take away what makes him happy and use it against him. i've done that already. i've used harry to save louis. it worked. i have a meeting with his attorneys tomorrow.

it actually worked. nick fell in love with harry and while i'll never get that full story, i'll always know the sacrifices that harry had to make.

and the consequences he will have to reap because of them.

i've destryed him. but he doesn't know that yet. i haven't told him. because i can't tell him. not the full truth, not until after the contract is officially terminated. then i can tell him. then i can officially, completely, utterly destroy him.  
and then put him back together.

that's how it has to be. when something is about to break, you can glue and tape and try and keep it together, but eventually those bonds break, and everything shatters. but with those pieces you can create something new. take the same parts and make a new whole.

louis will be free. he'll be safe. he'll be loved by someone who wants to love him. and it's going to take a while to pick up those pieces.

to explain everything and convince him that he is loved but that is a battle that i have fought with him before and i'm willing to do it again. i'm willing to do anything for the boy who had his life stolen from him by a few pieces of paper.

"i've found a loophole," i tell him. "but it's going to be difficult to implement," i watch him as he instantly nods, already willing to make his own sacrifices. even more. he doesn't deserve any of this.

"i'll do anything, kenzie, it doesn't matter how hard it'll be," he replies. to which i nod, hiding my true expressions and reaching out to squeeze his hand in mine.

"it's almost over, lou,”

* * *h a r r y* * *

i'm at kenzie's office, looking at the documents, signed by all the participating parties. i trace the ink with my fingers to make sure it's real and not just an illusion. it's very much real.

he's free. it worked. nick fell for me just enough to request the out, to get the contract nullified. terminated. destroyed. louis is free. he can be with who he wants without having to hiding it, he won't be hurt or forced to do things he doesn't want to do. he has his life back. he has his hope back. his safety. everything.

everything except me. and i don't have him.

but it was never about me. it was about louis, and while i know it's going to destroy him when he finds out just what had to happen to get him his freedom. he'll be heartbroken that's for sure. but i hope he'll understand. he doesn't have to forgive me, i've come to terms with the fact that i may never get to have him as mine again. kenzie told me it's what may happen and i've accepted my decision.

it did work after all. it worked. we did it.

but it doesn't feel like a success. it doesn't feel like we fought for something and are now reaping what we've sown. it feels like we still have one final bow to deliver. and i don't know how we're going to do it. i don't know if it should be me or if it should be kenzie.

kenzie is logical but i'm emotional. she would explain things a rational, logical way, whereas i'd skirt over the logistics and just try and convince louis that it was all a ruse. that i don't actually have any feelings for nick. and that i never did.

not once.

"how are we supposed to tell him?" i ask, my eyes full of desperation as i look to kenzie for the answer. she looks back at me sadly, her eyes showing something more than the flatness that i usually see when i look at her. i realize she's not wearing her poker face right now. this is pure, genuine kenzie that i'm looking at. and she's so sad. tired. broken almost.

i didn't know she was affected this badly. i can't even imagine how i must look to her. i feel like i've been hit by a bus and drowned at the same time, having many sleepless nights under my belt. nights spent trying to figure out how to tell louis what i had to do.

"it'll be better, hearing it from you, and hopefully he'll understand," she explains, resting her hand on my shoulder. "it's not like he's going to find out about it without your context, not if you tell him,"

i crinkle my brow, a little confused at her words for a moment before they reorganize themselves in my head and i understand. she's saying that it's better for me to explain things to louis rather than just letting him find out about the fake relationship on his own. because he could jump to his own conclusions then.

and if that happens, i may never get him back.

* * * l o u i s* * *

i don't mean to look through his phone. i don't mean to invade his privacy. it was just open on the table, the messages pulled up when i walked into the room.

a number i recognized.

a conversation i did not.

hearts and hugs and kisses and promises of seeing each other again and laughter and pictures and...  
and this can't be happening to me.

* * *h a r r y* * *

there's a harsh knock on my door, followed by two louder ones. it's late, just a little after ten pm, and for some reason my mind doesn't go straight to louis. it goes to kenzie first, and i'm so afraid that something has gone wrong with the contact, that we've actually failed and nothing worked and louis isn't safe and he's going to die.  
it's with this fearful mindset that i open the door, and am subsequently shocked to see a tear-streaked, livid louis on the other side. "you fucking bastard," he spits, pushing me roughly back. my eyes widen as i regain my balance and hold my hands out to prevent him from pushing me again. 

"louis, calm down," i say, trying to keep myself calm as well.

louis shakes his head, fresh tears steaming down his cheeks. "you and nick? really? you fuck me while you're screwing him too?!" he screams, his voice alight with fury. i feel my face pale as i realize what's happened. he's found out. found out without the context.

"no, louis, y-you have to let me explain," i say, fending off his flying hands as he tries to push me again. he glares at me, actually finding purchase on my chest again and shoving me backwards. "what is there to explain?! you're with nick! you saw what he did and you, you, i don't even know! i have no fucking clue what you did," he stops his advances for a moment to stare at me with almost disappointed eyes.

"i don't even know who you are, harry," he says, softer. those words strike a pain in my heart that i don't think i'll ever be able to repair and i can feel the tears gather in my eyes as i try and form the words to explain.

"how could you do that to me? after he beat me and used me and-and raped me?" louis says, his voice full of broken glass, accusing. i can feel a little bit of anger building up in my stomach as i try and get my words out. it takes a minute, a minute of louis drowning me in words that are full of justified hate and that threaten to keep me under.  
but i muster the courage and finally find my words and shout them over his until he can hear me. "i love you!" i scream. "i love you and i did what i had to do with nick so that i could save you, don't you get that?!" i'm breathless and emotionally ruined and when i look at louis i see my own desperation reflected back to me in his azure eyes. his jaw his dropped and his voice is caught in his throat and his arms hang uselessly at his sides.

i take another deep breath as i run my hands through my hair. "that was the loophole! i had to have nick love me more than he loved the contract, and so i did what i did to save you and it worked," i explain, trying not to raise my voice. i take a step closer, taking louis' shocked and silent form as a good sign. at least he's listening to me.

"you're free, louis, you're safe, you don't have to go back to him," i continue. "you can...," i trail off as the tears gather in my eyes. "you can come back to me, if that's what you want,"

i stop there, letting the silence hang in the air, waiting for his response. i watch him as my tears flow down my cheeks, watch as he stares at me with defeated eyes, a mask of confusion over his features. it takes a minute, but eventually he does speak.

"i'm free?" he whispers. i nod, taking another step forward.  
he takes a step back, putting his hand over his heart as he looks down, eyes wide and his chest rising and falling as he breathes unevenly. he looks back up at me, and i can't help but look back with a little hope in mine. he stares at me for a moment, before turning away.

"it doesn't matter why you did it harry," he says. "i can't forgive you for it," and i watch as he opens my door, and walks out, letting it shut behind him.  
and in this moment, i don't feel anything.

* * *l o u i s* * *

i make it about three steps before i stop. and stand there thinking about what i'm doing. what am i doing? what has just happened?

i look over my shoulder at his door, my eyes shining with  
tears as my mind races a million miles a second.

The End

* * *k e n z i e* * *

a few months later, i'm sitting outside of my office, on the little bench next to the flowers that my secretary planted in the springtime. they're pretty colors, petals lifted to the sky, drinking in the sunshine.

i do the same, soaking up that vitamin D as i wait for them to arrive. it's been a wholly exhausting past three months, spent mending relationships and breaking off others.

i took a slap to the face from louis on multiple occasions, each one motivated by some sort of anger at my actions and deeds. i took the silent treatment from harry, who locked himself away and didn't speak to me or anyone for weeks after louis said that he couldn't forgive him for his role in everything. nick threatened to sue me, after he found out he had been played and did not in fact have someone who loved him.

but eventually, things started to work out. louis started to realize his freedom and in that, his ability to forgive. harry opened up again after receiving that forgiveness, and began to fall back into his old routine, but this time he had someone to share it with. nick moved away, angry at the world but unable to bring himself to fight a battle he could not win.

 

the work has been done. louis is free. harry is happy. nick is gone. louis and harry have latched onto each other. louis is safe. he's alive. he's protected.

when they walk up to my bench, hands linked and soft smiles on their faces, i feel some of that guilt and shame that still haunts me melt away. they're a physical reassurance that i did the right thing. that what had to be done quite literally had to be done. and it worked.

i'll never know all the details and neither will you. but do i need to know them when i have the results right in front of me? no.

the end justifies the means.

they're happy. i'm happy for them. what more do you need?

**Author's Note:**

> originally published on wattpad :)


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